Conundrums of Getting Older

If you noticed a minor slow down with blog entries, you are completely correct. The past two weeks and completely changed my whole life. I have yet to decide if I like the changes or not. It is never easy to make a change, but I am normally good at it, so long as it's one at a time. I like to adjust to one thing before moving on to another drastic change. The last two weeks have really tested me. So I am at the conundrum: am I still "me?"

Lots of little things like: stock market, gun (home defense that's all nothing crazy), realizing many of my views are republican but I am in love with the environment... so confusing. I really do not identify with any political party because when it comes to money I am republican, yet I still want to help out others...but only those who deserve it and realllly need it, Barack is not the man of good change and giving my views on aid, and the environment you'd like i'd love him, I DON'T!!! Although republican is tooooo rigid for me, to selfish. Anyway, I changed up my job from one that allotted lots time for homework and a fair amount of time off for one that pays double or triple the amount in the same time, but weekends will never be the same... how can I be my naturalist self when i have no time to explore??? I am very nervous.

Part of me feels I sold out. Like I mentioned in a prior post. I hate money, but I know I need it : ( Life runs on it. I want to be able to afford a time where I can enjoy life fully; weekends off, hiking, and adventure trips, house near the water, with lots of land... All these things are just things I know, but they are things that make me feel happy, content and make me a better person which allows me to give more to everyone else. When I'm not so happy, I hate to admit, I'm lazy and less cheery (which is still cheery but not kim cheery). So I'm at this conundrum, do I put my hippie, adventure self on pause for a year or so to get realllly grounded financially? Or do I say forget it and go into debt but love life while during it????

Life changes are crazy... maybe I can perceive this as great moves for the future of a fantastic reality of all I desire!!!!

You Put Your Left Foot OUT you put your Right food IN ..

Yes I realize the left foot should be "IN" in the hookie pookie song but i did mean OUT. 

I was driving during work today to pick up some dog tags at another shop five miles away and get stuck behind a driver who is going below the speed limit in the fast lane, with no chance to pass because of a MAC TRUCK in the right lane...grrrrr

I, being super mature get close enough be invade space but not to cause an accident if they stopped quickly... okay maybe a lil' too close but here's why: I get curious to see who is behind the wheel, if it's an old person i back off, if it's a mama or someone with a baby in the car (or kids) i back off because frankly old people just go slow because maybe they think they are going fast, and probably are in no hurry to get anywhere and parents have precious packages in the car and i would never jeapordize a child or baby... but the guy in this particular car was a young male, probably 19-years-old, no baby in the car and also minus one foot in the car. HE HAD HIS FOOT STICKING OUT THE WINDOW!!!! Who does that, who drives with their left foot out the window, blocking their mirrors and goes slow on top of it!!!! Seriously!!! How dangerous is that, oops someone T-boned him, or he lost control of the car and crack goes his leg!!!! Also I'm pretty sure it's illegal, one to drive barefoot and two to stick your foot out your mirror, hello can you say obstruction of driver's view!!!! check out the link.

http://tafkac.org/legal/driving.barefoot/driving_barefoot.html

some states you are allowed to drive barefoot in... mostly down south.

I am all for feeling the breeze and being barefoot but driving with a barefoot out the window is not okay, not even for hippies or naturalists or a foot with dog poop on it!!! I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt by thinking "maybe he is listening to the hookie pookie and just got himself stuck." heheheh

you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you do the hookie pookie and you turn yourself about....THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT

Pain in the back relieves the pain in your heart

A good friend of mine is in town and while she is here she suggested we do Bikram Yoga... aka 105 degrees, 90 mins, 26 yoga poses that make you sweat... ALOT. (www.bikramyogabuffalo.com or www.bikramyogawilliamsville.com) The theory behind it is that the heat warms your body and muscles allowing you to get a better stretch, better blood flow, and sweat out toxins built up in your body. I was all in, I used to do yoga at least 3 days a week, but as I got busier and busier between jobs and school I just lost the time and passion for it, so this suggestion was WONDERFUL!

First class, 7pm, was amazing, walk upstairs and slip off your shoes immediately. I loved looking at all the different footwear and then guessed which belonged to whom, but that's not the point. You relax, barefoot, walking around, a big comfy couch to fill out paperwork in and a staff of extremely friendly calm people, who are also all instructors.

In a mirrored room with a touch of humidity and a cozy 105 degrees you lay your mat down with full sized towel over it and lay in dead body pose until class begins. Now it's 90 mins long, and you sweat just by sitting so needless to say you really do sweat a TON!!!! I loved the first class, the instuctors would point out if you were doing something incorrectly in a way to encourage you and not put you down, everyone kept their eyes on themselves (well except newbies who look at the person in a front row as an example. At the end the instructor congratulated us and then we all got to rest in dead body for as long as we wanted with the lights off... It was splendid

Today I went, in the morning, 9am, not too early but.... and this is a big but, you are supposed to go on an empty stomach (2 or 3 hours before class no food or water) hmmm. Incase I haven't mentioned it before... I LOVE FOOD!!!!... well I woke up at 7am and realized no breakfast, no nothing, of course i cheated and had a banana but i can't starve myself that's not healthy. Anyways, class was awful!!! A different instructor who was much more disciplined and drill sargent like rather than peaceful and soothing like the other one. I was dizzy, slipping off myself i was so sweaty, i turned white and wanted to puke. I pushed and made it through the whole class but felt so ill after. So here is my warning. Unless you wake up at 5am and have time for a full breakfast and plenty of water DO NOT GO TO EARLY CLASSES wait until later in the day after you've had time for food and drink because that's what gives you energy to do the 90 mins of yoga with.

If you are interested in yoga, it is a great way to channel your mind to shut off your mind. Our drill sargent teacher today said "Feel the pain in your back, it is good because a pain in your back relieves the pain in your heart." He was not lieing about the back pain, the first few times you ache all over the next day, after you get used to it you ache during the pose because you are using muscles and parts in ways you never do to stretch and contract them. As for the heart part. I was set off because my heart is not in pain, I am truly happy and in love...but then i got to thinking, not during class of course because you turn your mind off and concentrate on breathing and such, but afterwards i thought about it and realized you know what... heart and soul and mind are all connected so if one hurts it affects another, so although my heart is in love and happy it can still hurt when i am troubled, stressed, etc.

All in all, i highly suggest yoga. If you are a beginner Bikram is full of beginner poses, readily doable my all ages and body types, it is great...if you don't mind sweat coming from every centimeter of your body, and having beads of sweat drip, or pour in some male yogi's case, from your body. Do not attempt an arobic yoga like ashtanga right away, it will be rough. If you find a yoga center or class and you aren't sure of the style just ask to see a chart of poses, or the difficulty level of the poses... because there are some crazy poses that after 3 years of yoga i still can't do... although i do attempt them hehe

Most of all, if you try yoga remember this... It is not a competition, find your comfort level and then push yourself just enough to feel it but not be overly painful (some pain is good gain). Also everyone has different flexibility, I can't do some poses at all, like touch my head to my knee in any pose, although a majority of people can, however i can palm bend like crazy and twist by back and spine more than some who can touch their knee to head... so everyone is different and has their own strengths. don't get discouraged by feeling behind, just breath, be calm and know that no matter your yoga level you are doing something wonderful for your body and mind.

Fork the past, Knife the pain, and Spoon up the good

I was reading through my old notes from back in the day when I was just learning how to really handle what life threw, relationship wise. I found one I thought I would share, I called it FORK. I now call it "Fork the past, knife the pain, and spoon up the good" Let me explain: Life is forked up (side note: my favorite words are conundrum and fork), yes it implies a different word, yes that is one angle i was heading with it, but not the angle intended today (back then yes, it was intended to resemble a harsher word). Today it works with the other two words "knife, and spoon." You walk into a restaurant, it's fancy, definetely not a Jim's Steak Out. You sit down. You are elbows away from three forks, a butter knife, a spoon, a bread plate, a water glass, a lovely animated napkin you later attempt to re-fold, and possibly a wine glass... Were am I headed? Figuratively speaking (i love images and metaphors) each utensil is a tool in life. (I know you are sitting there going "What!?" stick with me): Each fork has it's own job, salad fork, meal fork, dessert fork... Fork the past, choose the right moments, use the fork to pick up the pieces. See the salad is healthy, but not always appealing, most of the time some pieces get pushed aside, those are the small things in life that don't matter (in my case, huge pieces of white onion (i only like red onion) I never eat, same as olives, nope, nope, nope won't touch em), the pieces you eat you carry with you, but it's so easily digested that it doesn't have a huge impact, just may help down the road (aka digestion). The meal fork, use that to get down to the meatiness in life. Take that hunk of juicy, tender steak (sorry if you are a vegetarian or vegan, imagine you tofu) and use the fork to gain control. Use the knife to make it managable, no one seriously sticks a whole steak in their mouth at once, they use the knife to make it easier... to cut away the pain. You can't expect to swallow all parts of your past at once, you have to take it pieces at a time. The third fork is my favorite, it is the dessert fork, small yet wonderful. I think this one is self explainatory. Oh the spoon, I almost forgot. The spoon is to get the goods, be it hearty, fulfilling soup or a big ol' bowl of ice cream. It is usually always good, spoon it up. (it even works for pasta fanatics, spiral up the spaghett's in the spoon....love it!)

Anyway, that all was a little much to gobble, I jsut really love relating life to either food or sports... i can't help it, it always works on multiple levels.

Okay, so now that you have the back story, the new story, here is the story... A past that I worked out, and find to still have meaning today. If i were to use a utensil on this I would def. chose the fork and knife... because face it love matters, relationships matter, but it's not always worth the pain we try to live with when it's over... so i cut it up, took it one bite at a time and boom, soo the bad i cut apart taught me something when i was ready for it

Here it is:
Isn't life freakin weird. Many of us will spend time with the same person, years, and then one day...it'll just be over, and we'll be crushed, crushed. It will feel as if the world isn't right, nothing will be the same. The music we listen to, the movies we watch, the places we go, what we eat, how we talk...everything will remind us of the other, and it will suck...alot. No joke, i've been there. However, it doesn't end there. There's this unquoted event that always happens, it called, utter attraction. You'll still have feelings for the person, even though things are over and maybe they moved on, you'll want to at some point jump them, its only natural...however, don't...it takes so much to get over it, don't make it harder on either of you. Stay away for a while, friends doesn't work so well right away. You don't have to go abandon them and your friendship, b/c thats just silly, but take time to give yourself space, remove some of the memories for some time, look at life as if you've never seen it brighter. I takes so much, but its worth it. Thinking however, that this crap feeling is over, nope, its not. At some point talk about getting back together, or he/she still loves you, but doesn't want you at the moment, but eventually, will flood you and drown you...if you don't hold on. Hold on to you, and know we are all destined for happiness, we are still young, and the better may just be about to come. Love is a crazy crazy thing, nothing about it is fair or easy...take it as it comes, love it but don't depend on it to early. Things do get better, trust me, they do, complicated still yes...guilty feelings, regret...yup its all gonna be there, but it will get better, just trust you and if you're anything like me and my best friend, listen. I'm a stubborn boob, my best friend is a relationship genius in my case, if i would have just listened to her a year ago when everything started, i'd be much happier sooner, because guess what...I listened, i let go enough to realize heck yes i'm worthy and beautiful and destined to be happy with someone amazing...looking back isn't always bad, but sometimes its better to move forward, in my case forward lead me to new discoveries with someone else, will it last a while, who knows, but then again, why think that way. could i end up getting hurt again, yea, but why think that way...life is one day at a time, live it that way!

Caffeine Conundrum

I picked up the Buffalo News today and Charity Vogel's section caught my eye..."Caffeine craze stirs thoughts about needs" http://www.buffalonews.com/cityregion/story/718156.html Incase you forgot I mentioned in one of my blog posts about how i should just open a coffee shop...oh the blog on "the switch"... because the finacial raping at college was not my cup of joe (haha pun intended). I went on to say how college students are getting criticized for being hooked on caffinee, how we need it, want it yearn for it... but she twist it to a perspective I didn't think of... we can afford it! Think about it, college students and old people are the most loyal customers at coffee shops. These two catagories have time and little money (some less time than others but still more time than a mother of 3 working full time, yea kno). Anyway, everyone needs to get away, and that's what Vogel points out; a mom just "getting away" for 6 dollars a day... it's worth it and its relatively affordable (although 6 is too much for me a day, maybe 6 once a week).

In todays economy it is hard for a student putting themselves through college to find somewhere to just relax, wind down, or socalize (especially if they aren't into the keg parties and beer pong). I realized that I was, and am that student. I'm not a partier in the sense of college parties (i like good clean fun with a drink or two, but perfer to remember my night and not wake up face down on someones lawn with a dog peeing on me (true story). I like the atmosphere at Spot coffee, and have for several years. I get a chai, or jet tea or carmel machioto, and life is grand... I just sit, sip, read, repeat, or find a friend and sit, sip, chat tat tat. Old people are the same way, just with more time. If they are retired and want to get out they aren't going to bar hop or get crazy, they are going to sit down with a coffee or tea, maybe get an indulgently fatty donut and enjoy the morning/afternoon/evening with their other retired crew members. Money shouldn't limit having time to get away, which is why most people with less money to spend on extraneous things than some go to a coffee shop. It doesn't mean we are addicted (although it comes with time, unless you change it up) but that we find it as a sanctuary to relax and enjoy a small, simple, luxury for around $3.

Now I'm really thinking. Since I moved into an apartment in they city, four blocks from my once santuary (Spot Coffee), I find that I rarely go there. I go at the end of the semester during finals just to get out of the house and into the world to do my work, and maybe once in a while with a friend I haven't seen in a while, it's a good location for any situation that could end up akwardly, or so well that it leads to something more exciting!!!

Okay, real quick, I have a improptu promo for a newer coffee shop... It's on the corner of Lexington and Grant (just a couple blocks from my place) and it is amazing!!!!!!! It's called... SWEET_NESS 7 CAFE. All organic, all environmentally friendly, all affordable. It has a wonderful, friendly owner, cool employees, eccentric yet homey feel, and artsy decor not to mention a great Chai soy latte. So here a GREEN CAFE... Coffee conundrum solved!!! I can be green and delight in a great cup of luxury in a great atmosphere with fellows like myself...eccentric, earthy (but still clean), friendly people who care about what happens to the environment...LOVE IT!!!!

The What If's...

A person can be driven mad by thinking of the what if's in life. Everyday there is a what if... what if i ate an apple and toast for breakfast instead of chocolate chip pancakes with powdered sugar on top? heheh well i know that I would not have had a stomach ache afterwards, but it sure was tasty! I mean sure something as simple as breakfast doesn't have enough of an impact to drive a person mad, unless they are on a diet and regret it all day long. Even then though it is not that maddening, however what about those instances or those people or that choice you made... all those kind of things wind you through life, if one was different... your whole life could be different.

For me it's people, not so much choices i've made, because I think with people come choices, each person has a path to take you on, and it's your choice to go or not...

Here's my conundrum: After we make a decision do we just accept it and forget, NO, at least I don't... I ponder and ponder and have a personal qualm until i get so distracted that i forget i even made the choice... YES... wait, there's more...So put simply, we make a choice, wonder if we made the right one, then forget about it...UNTIL...something randomly pops up out of nowhere and reminds you of the decision you made.

The worst part of making choices is knowing that you'll never know what could have been... yea know, like you meet a person, you click, you talk for a while without seeing each other then just fall out of touch... at first you don't realize it happened, then you randomly say... huh, i wonder how so and so is... then you go ahead and wonder... what if we didn't lose touch? Ding Ding Ding, there it is... the WHAT IF... it may be a month before the what if, or it may be a year, or heck maybe even four or ten, the time doesn't matter. Are the what if's in life meant to drive us nuts or tell us something... like a lesson, because obviously a what if still has a presence in life so it must matter... somethings, life breakfast obviously don't but school choices, career paths and love lives definately hinge on the what if's at some point. For the most part we all just let the what if slide out of our minds and that's fine, all is well and happy, i still have to wonder though... WHAT IF. I wonder what if on everything and imagine every scenario, the problem is I can imagine anything, just close my eyes and dream it up...but if someone told me to dream up where i'd be today five years ago... ha i would have never guessed! I'm sooo happy but it's nothing i imagined, i sometimes still try to figure out how i got here doing what i do, being who i'm with, learning and living what and where i am... its crazy and they all mesh together and it was the otherside of the what if's that got me here!

I love the craziness in life but when the what if's pop up i often find myself imagining life in other ways, not that i'd pursuit them like some whim but just pondering...Writing this i realized another what if... What if I weren't happy? then i'd have all my other what if's to go back and chose the other (to some extent) crazy huh, the sam what if's that drive me nuts may some day set me free!!!

I thought of all this because of two things. Last night I was sitting in front of a fire on a beach in Canada, drinking out of my nalgene (just water), eating a hamburger paired with a hot dog and potato salad, hearing the gentle tide roll in and seeing the pink sky reflecting in the water, surrounded by people I never knew before that night... and it was spectacular.

It was almost like this ironic things because earlier yesterday I randomly heard from a friend from Canada and is not in the states for a while, then don't you know it, my boyfriend and i get a call from his friend offering a ride up to canada for a BBQ. We had no idea where, or what, or when we'd get home, but we just hopped on the motorcycle and went, turns out we met amazingly generous and kind hearted people who were friends of a friends friend (did you get that) and had a monday night i never would have imagined... what if we said no, that 7 was too late to hop on the bike, and that we'd just stay home??? frankly I don't know, maybe we'd of won the lottery or were inspired to do something even greater? It doesn't matter, I was happy, he was happy, everyone was happy... it was spectacular. On the same note, what if we got there and it was horrible, what if something happened, well... they very well could of, but they didn't, we took a risk we normally don't make on a monday night because of early work schedules, but we did it...ahhhhh, part of if was the beauty of the outdoors, again reinvigorating....

I challenge everyone reading to do something, take risk (within reason of course), and do something you'd normally not do, who knows it may set you on a happier path of life???

Namaste until another day : )

Good green or gross green?

Odd conversation from work that I will expound upon you... How many times do you use your bath towel before washing it? 

Well, of course they (being all republican guys) ask "eco-kim" first... that is what they nicknamed me because I yell at them for burning furniture and tires, throwing away pop can's etc... and i answer, "two weeks ish." They did not like that attttttt allll! Every other guy said about 3 or 4 times... WHAT... one guy even said "once, just once"... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! ONCE. If everyone used their towel only once soooo much water would be wasted. 

We continued on the conversation and they realized that I may keep the same set of towels for 2 weeks but I don't use them everyday because I don't shower everyday. I'm a girl darnit I don't smell!!! Boy's smell at the end of the day, girls (well not all girls, but some) don't. If I don't need to shower then i won't so it worked out to be about 6 times that I use my towel (days after I run, because then yes I do smell... after 6 or 8 miles... anyone smells hehehe. 

The whole point that I was trying to make is this... you are clean when you get out of the shower, that's why you take showers; to get clean. If you are clean and you use a clean towel to dry off how nasty can the towel get? I understand it gets odd, but I use one towel for my face (which i use twice daily if not more...oily skin, and that i do switch out more often) then I have a hair towel (what girl only uses one towel, wet hair drips down our backs and gets us wet again, you have to wrap it up) and then a third towel for my body... everything is separate. If I were to wash them all after 3 uses... that would be ridiculous... so i don't... i wait 2 weeks or so, becasue they don't get nasty!!! Anyway... i was seen as smelly hippie chic for a while but thats what i get for being honest heheheheh.

So I ask you, how long is too long to use the same towel? think green here, not OCD, hehe. 

Namaste till another day : )